We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
