I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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