I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
