That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
