So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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