You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
