Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
