trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
