Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
