I think I won the penis lottery.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
