apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
