It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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