this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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