I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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