Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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