My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
