How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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