I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
