Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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