Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
