and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
