fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
