we have pet lesbian snakes
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
