im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
