Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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