dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
