I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
