I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
