need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
