Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
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He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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