Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
