Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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