I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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