Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think I died a long time ago.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
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I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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