And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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