btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
