i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
