and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
