Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
