What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
