cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
