There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
