Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
