I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
