??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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