Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
