haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
