I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
