Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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