The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
