Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
