Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
