I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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