Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
