I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
