Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
