even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
