I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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