Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
