yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
