She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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