gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
